White Picket Fence Counseling Center Newsletter Archives

How to Deal With Jealousy and Sorrow

As we see all the time in our sessions at the White Picket Fence Counseling Center, relationship problems are at the heart of most eating disorders. Often the underlying angst that’s causing people to act out with food can be traced back to an interpersonal situation.

I’ve been practicing yoga for much of my life, but I recently discovered just how much yoga can be a gift for those in recovery from food addiction and eating disorders. And this includes giving us a tool for how to handle difficult people.

Last week, I revealed the first two “locks” – two types of people that we deal with, and the corresponding “keys” that we can apply. Today, we’ll talk about the final two.

First are the virtuous people, who want to tell us about all of the good things they’ve done and everything that’s going well in their lives. For some of us, this could trigger feelings of jealousy or contempt, and even thoughts of revenge or sabotage so we can take away some of these good things (and maybe keep them for ourselves, as if that was possible!).

Instead, the key to dealing with virtuous people, according to this yoga philosophy, is with sheer and utter delight – celebrating with them and being glad for their success. As I suggested last week, you might need to use the 12-step slogan of “fake it until you make it,” but I guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself and have a more peaceful day.

The fourth and final lock – the type of person that might be difficult for you to deal with – is the wicked person. Just like with unhappy people, it can be uncomfortable or even painful to be with someone who seems downright evil. You may react and want to fix the person or situation, or get away from the person as soon as possible.

The key is to detach; approach this person with disregard or indifference. It’s the ultimate practice of non-attachment and setting boundaries. Letting someone be where they are without needing to take on the emotions or the problem.

12-steps programs such as Al-Anon and CODA help people who are dealing with co-dependency and boundary issues.

By responding with friendliness, compassion, delight and disregard, we can greatly improve our relationships with others. This simple system of locks and keys can bring the peace we find in yoga and mediation out into the real world of our day-to-day lives.

Maybe it can also help us deal more compassionately with ourselves, when it’s us having the negative thoughts or doing other things we’re not proud of. Maybe today we can detach from our suffering, delight in ourselves, feel proud of ourselves and be happy for ourselves.

How to Deal With Unhappy People

In my recent studies of yoga therapy and the principles of yoga, I’ve discovered a fascinating tool that can help us deal with the difficult people.

According to this yoga concept, all of the people you will meet in your lifetime will fall into one of four categories – what they call “locks.” Each one of these can be challenging to us for different reasons.

Take happy people, for example. If you’ve feeling very unhappy yourself, or if you’re dealing with your own suffering, you may feel very out of sync with a happy person. This can feel uncomfortable and you may express that, either consciously or unconsciously, driving a wedge through the interaction.

The “key” for dealing with happy people is to greet them with joy and friendliness. If you’re not feeling that joy, try pretending. There’s an expression in 12-step recovery that suggests, “fake it until you make it.” There is also plenty of scientific evidence that laughing and smiling – even when you don’t feel it – makes you feel happier. And it definitely has a positive impact on whoever you are smiling at!

So what if you come upon an unhappy person? The temptation may be to react, try to fix the person, or even get angry at the person for being negative. With this lock, the key is compassion. Validate the person and allow them to feel what they’re feeling.

Next week, we’ll talk about the remaining two locks and their corresponding keys. Practicing these keys can help to bring peace into your daily interactions and remove the need to use food and unhealthy behaviors to distance yourself from difficult people.

Dealing With Difficult People

Much of what we deal with in counseling sessions with our clients is healing relationships. When you are recovering from food addiction or an eating disorder, difficult relationships can sometimes trigger the compulsion to relapse.

We can use food or exercise in unhealthy ways, or obsess about body image, as defense mechanisms that help us avoid dealing with people. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t given proper relationship skills growing up.

Maybe some of us learned some resiliency, but for the most part we have to constantly learn and re-learn how to navigate relationships, whether at work, in play, at home or in the community. Each lesson usually comes out of painful conflicts that are the underlying cause of our angst.

Whether you’re back in close quarters with family members over the holiday season, or dealing with difficult people at any time of year, the right tools can help you detach from the drama and stay committed to your recovery.

Though I’ve been practicing yoga for years, I’ve recently ramped up my study of yoga therapy and the principles of yoga. We’ve started a yoga therapy program at the White Picket Fence Foundation building, with more groups and classes planned for the future.

I’ve also discovered a fascinating, simple and effective concept for how to stay peaceful in all of the relationships and interactions in your daily life.

While it can seem as though we’re up against many different kinds of relationship problems, this yoga philosophy teaches that there are actually only four types of people we deal with – called “locks.” The beauty of this concept is that for every lock, there is a key!

Over the next two weeks, I’ll share about these four locks and their corresponding keys. With these four keys in your pocket, you’ll have what you need to navigate any interactions, even challenging ones, over the holidays and beyond.

The most important goal is to find peace, whether that’s through meditation, yoga, journaling, therapy, calling a friend or another tool. If we have a serene mind, we’re not in disorder or dis-ease and we don’t have to use or abuse food or our bodies because we don’t have to change the way we feel.

How the Principles of Yoga Can Help Heal Food Issues

Though I've been practicing yoga for years, it was in my recent yoga teacher training program when I started to realize the broad implications of the benefits of yoga. Just as the book Living Your Yoga implies, there are many places in our everyday life where yoga can apply.

Here are some of the yoga principles that have come up most often as I have counseled people with eating disorders and food addiction to "live their yoga."

• Letting go – instead of using food behaviors to bury uncomfortable feelings, let them go
• Getting centered – instead of feeling pressured and anxious, pause and come back to the present moment where you can make more self-compassionate choices
• Connecting to other people and to a higher power – food has been barrier between you and other people
• Tolerating discomfort – learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings will give you the power to move through them without using food or food behaviors
• Taking time to relax and regenerate – instead of feeling intimidated by silence and stillness as they compete with your busy mind, let it all go and give your body and mind the break they need
• Being grounded – feel a sense of support and connection to the earth below
• Soothing yourself – instead of reaching for food or other harmful behaviors, learn to self-soothe in healthy ways
• Surrounding yoursef with beauty – empower your sense of self-worth by choosing to indulge in healthy forms of joy and pleasure
• Witnessing without reacting – let go of judgment and practice accepting things as they come

If you're interested in learning how to apply these principles in your own life in recovery, watch for more details about our yoga classes. For those who want to go deeper, we will offer small yoga therapy groups and private yoga therapy.

Yoga practice is a safe place where you can feel both relaxed and energized. Through yoga you can learn to use these principles and apply them to your whole life, gaining clarity and a sense of rejuvenation, and freedom from the stressors of an eating disorder.

The Mind-Body Disconnect of Eating Disorders

For people with eating disorders, there's a clear disconnect between body and mind – it's like living from the neck up. Because that reconnection is so vital to recovery, many treatment methods are designed to realign the mind, body and spirit.

Getting back that connection helps people find acceptance, awareness and appreciation for their bodies, which naturally leads to wanting to take better care of themselves.

Drawing on my recent experience with yoga teacher training, and in partnership with some of my colleagues who are already registered yoga teachers and yoga therapists, we now have yoga and yoga therapy at the White Picket Fence Foundation.

Yoga is much more than just postures. In fact, some of my therapy clients have been benefiting from my yoga experience for years, as I've incorporated relaxation techniques like breathing exercises, guided imagery and meditation.

The benefits of yoga are well researched, and it is a natural fit to help with food issues. For example, many people have a problem with overeating or restricting during stressful times.Yoga works directly upon the nervous system to evoke relaxation and diminish stress. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system that promotes rest and regeneration and reduces the fight or flight response that brings anxious, stressful feelings.

In the next article, we'll explore some of the principles of yoga and how they can be applied to recovery from eating disorders.

Yoga Therapy – A Personal Note from Sandee

Clients are often curious about what I do when I'm not working at the Center. Like most of you, there are many things that keep me busy – sometimes I joke that I have to go pay to relax. My favorite method of relaxation is yoga, and it's one of the main ways I incorporate spirituality into my life.

As part of a recent yoga teacher training, I wrote a paper called "Better Body Esteem," about how a yoga program I designed can address so many of the body image issues that accompany eating disorders and food addiction.

On the cover of my paper is a photo of my mother in a red one-piece leotard, upside down in a headstand. It was my mother who instilled my love of yoga, and now that she is no longer living, I dedicated the paper to her.

The teacher training was an amazing experience. I met wonderful people I wouldn't have met otherwise (here is a photo of me with some of my classmates), including some that you will be seeing around the White Picket Fence Counseling Center in the coming weeks and months, as we create new programs to bring you the benefits of yoga.

Some people object to the idea of yoga because they feel it conflicts with their religious practice. Our approach will be completely non-religious, and while we believe that spirituality is a key part of the recovery journey, it will be up to you to decide how deep you want to go.

With our limited space, we're going to focus on one-on-one yoga therapy and small yoga groups – including some classes that will be free for the community. So please stay tuned!

For the rest of this month, I'll be presenting more information about how yoga and yoga therapy are uniquely suited to assist people recovering from eating disorders and food addiction.

Tools for the Recovery Stage of Life

A major part of your recovery will be gaining comfort and acceptance of your body. Whether or not your body size has changed in recovery, you can learn to love and be grateful for who you see in the mirror.

A distorted body image can be deeply embedded in people who are recovering from an eating disorder, whether that's compulsive eating, anorexia or bulimia. The food behaviors they reach for are used to disconnect from the body.

Recovery brings the opportunity – and the challenge – to be present in the body, perhaps for the first time.

To begin, you can use the following tools to discover your personal image and your connection to your body. Then you can start to learn where this story has come from. That way you can release any hurtful or unhealthy perceptions, and move into compassion and full acceptance.

I teach a model called "The Five A's" to guide people through this process:

1. Awareness (includes acknowledgement and anticipation) – Build your awareness of your current body image beliefs by journaling, meditating and talking about what you discover. Acknowledge your positive, healthy perceptions and anticipate the benefits of moving more and more into this new perspective.
2. Appreciation (includes achievement and abundance) – Practice self-caring and self-loving rituals that celebrate your body and all of its gifts.
3. Action (includes attention, amends, aspiration and accountability) – Take the necessary steps to care for and heal your body. You may have spent many years making unhealthy choices, but you can repair that damage one day at a time. Build and use a support team for this process (e.g., therapist, dietician, exercise buddy, therapy group).
4. Acceptance – The sooner you can accept yourself and your body as you are right now, the sooner you will be able to evolve into the next stages of recovery.
5. Affirmations – Talk to yourself kindly and positively, always choosing the perspective that everything you want is already on its way.

IAEDP™ Symposium 2012: A Perspective

(IAEDP is the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals)

As a licensed clinician, supervisor of interns, and adjunct professor of psychology working in and focusing on the field of Eating Disorders and Food Addiction, I have to say, I love my job. I love helping people work on recovery from conditions and often debilitating eating disorders that preclude them from leading their happiest, healthy lives. This field of study is uniquely gratifying, and even more so when the work we do on a daily basis is not only validated, but enhanced by experts in our field who pose not only the very problems and concerns we routinely encounter as therapists, but who also offer the kinds of innovative solutions we seek.

What I found particularly exciting about this year’s symposium, entitled Journey Through the Looking Glass: Complex Issues/Creative Solutions, is the number of conference sessions that focused on Food Addiction education, which included not only presentations by researchers, but by treatment professionals who offered some inspiring perspectives, studies, and methods of treatment. The impressive number of presentations with supportive research maintaining that FOOD ADDICTION is a very real problem is extremely important in today’s world and one worthy of being further addressed and researched.

In addition to sharing my enthusiasm about these remarkable professionals, their sessions, and the ideas they shared with the professionals in attendance, there are some particular highlights worth mentioning:

• In his keynote address, Dr. Mark Gold, Distinguished Professor, Eminent Scholar, Chairman McKnight Brain Institute, University of Florida College of Brain Medicine, presented comprehensive research on the cause and potential treatment of addictions to foods and eating. His presentation was supported by Dr. Nicole Avena, PhD of University of Florida College of Medicine and Princeton University, who, like Dr. Gold, presented compelling research about the brain’s reward centers and the preference in rats for sugar -- over anything else!
• Joel Robertson, PharmD, explored the relationship between potentially problematic brain chemistry and one’s body image. In addition to a variety of non-medicating options and methods of treatment, Robertson presented his idea that brain chemistry is affected by disordered eating, posing the notion that healthy eating can improve brain chemistry and become a successful treatment option.  
• Kevin Wandler, MD and Elizabeth Dizney, PsyD, representing University of Florida’s Eating Disorder Recovery Center, presented  ideas about the relationship between eating disorders and a variety of today’s most prevalent addictions. They noted the importance of treating ALL addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, and shopping) in order to prevent behavior relapse.
• Similar research was included by Carolyn Coker Ross, MD of the Ranch, and Dr. Kimberly Dennis, of Timberline Knolls, in their break-out sessions, Addiction, Food Addiction, Obesity and Binge Eating Disorder. Dr. Dennis provided insightful information about 12-step recovery programs to clinicians who may have received feedback from clients, but haven’t experienced these kinds of benefits directly.

Each of these outstanding presenters affirmed not only the importance of addressing the relationship between the brain and eating behaviors, but the relationship between the brain AND addiction, relative to specific foods and volume eating.

Beyond emotional recovery work (therapy), exercise, and eating at a slower pace, I would like to have seen more innovative treatment-related ideas. That being said, I feel a certain hope that if we continue the open dialogue about food addiction, discuss and share the effects it has on so many lives, talk about what has been helpful in the past and what we can do today and in the future, we can continue to improve the probability and success rate of the recovery process.

When the conference was over, I felt a wave of satisfaction that Food Addiction was addressed at such depth at the IAEDP conference this year, reaffirming confidence in my treatment approach and our work at White Picket Fence Counseling Center.

To address your questions, request information, or to schedule speaker engagements for Sandee S. Nebel, MS, LMHC, please contact her via the White Picket Fence Counseling Centre website.

Have you been feeling stressed lately?

Stress. It’s everywhere. Like a bad penny, it keeps turning up, affecting your mood, your personality, your effectiveness, and often causing anxiety or irritability on the job, at school, or at home. It’s not a pleasant feeling when you want to enjoy life, but can’t. Wouldn’t it be nice to live your life stress free? Now you can. Through education and identification, we can help you better cope with stress and rescue you from this daily demon.

As a professional, I needed to find a way to reduce stress in my own life and studied and researched stress and methods of coping with it. That’s when I discovered SIT – Stress Inoculation Training. It is a prescribed program of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that can help individuals cope with stressful situations. This methodology helps us to better understand the nature and cause of stress in our lives and teaches effective coping mechanisms to release and cope with stress effectively.

SIT is a treatment that is flexible and can be tailored to fit your needs. The goal of SIT is to enhance your artillery of coping skills and increase your confidence in applying these skills by employing three phases of intervention:

1st Phase: Conceptual Education
2nd Phase: Skills Acquisition and Consolidation
3rd Phase: Application and Follow-through

How does SIT work?

1. Conceptual Education

The first phase of SIT focuses on enhancing awareness and understanding of what is causing your stress, how it is impacting your life, and how well you are or are not able to deal with it or cope effectively.

2. Skills Acquisition and Consolidation

The second phase of SIT helps you learn about and acquire the coping tools and the necessary skills you need to add to your current skill arsenal. In this phase, you will also learn about and rehearse the coping skills you need to combat stress so that your responses become more natural in the face of immediate stressors.

3. Application and Follow-through

The final phase of SIT provides opportunities for you to practice your newly acquired coping skills in increasingly stressful situations. We all know that practice makes perfect. It can turn a learned response into a natural habit. Through guided practice, you will become more confident and better able to handle stress naturally and effectively.

I’ve tried this on my own and with groups of individuals like you. It works! SIT is a widely successful intervention in helping us cope with stress in a healthy manner. If you are interested in learning more about SIT and want to live a happier, healthier, stress-free life, please join us in our upcoming workshop on Monday, May 7, 2012. You are welcome to call me today to set up your appointment and make this the first day in the best of your life.

Best regards to you,
Erika Bent, B.A., Graduate Student Intern
UCF Clinical Psychology Masters Program

What Does it Mean to Surrender?

"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." – Anais Nin

Twelve step programs have many recovery tools that can be beneficial to those who are struggling with food addiction, emotional eating, anorexia, compulsive eating or bulimia. One of these valuable concepts is surrender. This admission of powerlessness is at the core of Step One, and is really the heart and foundation of 12 step recovery.

In order to make a positive change in your life, you need to have a heartfelt commitment. Everyone who comes to our office shares that they want to make changes, but they're not always at the point of true surrender. They may not have given their whole selves over to the process of change. They're not willing to experience the discomfort, stress and uncertainty – the risk of blossoming.

Twelve step programs have a saying that it's the "the gift of desperation" that often leads people into successful recovery. This happens after years of trying over and over again to change something, control something or give something up. They may succeed for a short time, yet as soon as a tricky situation comes up they go right back to their familiar behaviors.

At that point, the truly desperate will realize that they must surrender. Their way is not working.

Merriam-Webster says that by surrendering, we "cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority."

Note that this authority is not your counselor, sponsor or any other person. Some think of it as the compulsion or behavior; other see it as the food. Surrendering to this "enemy" means having a healthy respect for the seriousness of the problem and acknowledging that we're powerless over controlling it by ourselves.

Overeating and restricting food not only make people emotionally isolated and miserable, but can lead to many serious health issues and even death. Change is scary, but the consequences of not changing are even scarier.

Twelve step programs have many tools, resources and supports that can help you get to a place of surrender. Our counselors at the White Picket Fence Counseling Center can help, or we are also happy to make referrals to someone in your area.

Have patience and respect for your own time line. Some people surrender quickly, and others hold on for years. Commit to the process and stick with it – because you never know when it's going to happen for you. Another much-loved saying in the rooms of recovery is:

"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens."

• How willing are you today to surrender your harmful eating behaviors and commit to change?
• Are you willing to let go of control?
• Are you willing to embrace something new?
• Are you willing to let go and trust the unknown?
• Are you willing to seek support from someone who's been where you are (e.g., in a 12-step program or support group)?
• Are you willing to seek support from a professional who is highly trained and experienced in helping other people with similar issues as you are facing?

Click here for a list of 12 step recovery programs and links to their websites.

A List of 12 Step Groups and Websites

• AA - Alcoholics Anonymous
• ABA – Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous
• ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Al-Anon/Alateen, for friends and family members of alcoholics
• CLA - Clutterers Anonymous
• CoDA - Co-Dependents Anonymous, for people working to end patterns of dysfunctional relationships and develop functional and healthy relationships
• DA - Debtors Anonymous
• EA - Emotions Anonymous, for recovery from mental and emotional illness
• FA - Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous
• FAA - Food Addicts Anonymous      GA - Gamblers Anonymous
• NA - Narcotics Anonymous
• OA - Overeaters Anonymous
• SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous
• SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
• WA - Workaholics Anonymous

 

Make Amends to Make Your Guilt Disappear

12-step programs such as Overeaters Anonymous and Eating Disorders Anonymous contain many useful tools that any of us can use. When it comes to healing guilt, one of the best methods is found in steps 8 and 9.

Step 8 reads, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9 continues with, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

The 12-step process recognizes that guilt over our unresolved issues with people, places and institutions are what cause us to reach for unhealthy behaviors such as food addiction, emotional eating, bulimia, over-exercising and restricting.

When they feel guilty, a lot of people are quick to apologize. Unfortunately, they're just as quick to repeat whatever it is they just apologized for. There's no relief for either person, because there wasn't any action or change behind the apology.

The 12-step process of making amends goes beyond an apology, to actually changing the words or actions that harmed the other person. If we have acted out of integrity with the kind of person we wish to be, we can do something to repair the damage in a real way.

This is rarely an easy process, and that's why it requires spiritual guidance and strength. Sometimes it's not clear how to make up for what we did, and we need some extra clues or insights. Other times we may see what we have to do, but we feel afraid or reluctant to do it. We need extra strength and courage – especially if there may be consequences for admitting what we did wrong.

Whatever the situation that is causing your guilt, it's important to be thorough in the process of making amends. Otherwise you can put a cycle in motion where you keep hurting the other person or you keep hurting yourself. As part of your amends, you can create a new plan of living when it comes to that person or situation. How would you like the relationship to look and feel? How would you like to behave in the situation? What kind of person do you want to be?

In some cases, even after you've identified a person or institution that you owe an amends to, you can't do it right away. Maybe you don't have the financial means to fully repay a debt. Maybe the person you harmed has died or moved away. The important thing is to get yourself to a place of being willing to make the amends, and then find a way to do it.

A 12-step sponsor or a therapist can be very helpful during this process. This person can also make sure that you haven't slipped to the other side of the equation where you're taking on responsibility for something you haven't done, out of a sense of people pleasing or co-dependency.

Reflect on all the people or institutions you have hurt or harmed, and get yourself to a place where you're willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage that was your part. Sometimes the action takes place right away; sometimes the action is deferred or done through someone else.

Before making amends, be sure that you have forgiven the other person for any harm they may have done to you. The amends process cannot work if you are still full of rage, resentment or defensiveness.

No matter how much love you may have in your heart when you approach the other person, you can't expect them to accept your amends or be ready to forgive you. They may not be able to do that right now and you have to accept that. You're making these amends to relieve your own poisonous, toxic guilt. You can hold your head high, no matter how the other person responds.

The biggest amends you may have to make is to yourself, for putting yourself through all of this guilt. If you can change your perspective and behaviors so they're more loving and kind – to yourself and others – that will change our relationships, alleviating our guilt and replacing it with relief and gratitude.

There are three key benefits of making amends are. First, an apology for hurting someone in the past can be a great way to build a bridge to a better future relationship with others or with oneself.

Next, it's ideal for removing the weight of guilt, shame and remorse. Finally, step 9 leads right into step 10, which is a daily reflection on how we behaved. We can use step 10 and the journaling process to clean stuff up every day so it never builds up beyond 24 hours. It's a beautiful way of living.

 

Guilt is a Four-Letter Word

Be honest. How many of your actions and decisions today were driven by guilt? Were you trying to relieve guilt that you already felt, or trying to avoid feeling guilty later?

Using guilt as a motivator starts a chain reaction that can very self-destructive. This is true for everyone, but for someone in recovery from an eating disorder, food addiction, compulsive eating, anorexia or bulimia, this pattern can compound the emotional difficulties you're already dealing with.

When you base your decisions on feelings, including guilt, you tune out rational thought, as well as the self-nurturing intuitive thought that is available by making a spiritual connection.

Let's say you agree to babysit your friend’s kids, even though you already had plans that you now have to cancel. You felt obligated and worried about how your friend might respond if you said no. You didn't think you could deal with your feelings of guilt.

By saying yes to your friend, you may have avoided the guilt, but you've put yourself at risk for feeling resentful because you gave up doing something you were looking forward to. And the discomfort of that resentment can drive you right back towards using food, weight obsession, purging or over-exercising as a coping mechanism.

What's even worse is how guilt and resentment can strain your relationships with the people whose love and support is so vital to your recovery.

If you want to stop being a slave to your guilt, you can start by getting more awareness of how it's showing up in your life. Your journal is a great tool for tracking and reviewing these notes. You can also share your writing with a therapist or trusted friend to get feedback and insights.

If you want to stop guilt in its tracks, try to do less "mind reading" or projecting your own thoughts onto others. For example, maybe you think you friend will think you don't care about her or her kids if you say so no her request.

Again, turn to your journal. Write out all the things you imagine the other person is thinking or feeling. Seeing them in black and white may help you to realize that you can't be sure whether they're true. Getting some objective feedback can help here as well.

There is nothing wrong with being a generous, giving person who does nice things for others. In fact, giving back can help you progress in your recovery. Giving also has a spiritual effect, and is one of the ways I incorporate spirituality into my life.

As with everything, balance is the key. If you're feeling out of balance, chances are that you're giving out of guilt.

Five Things That Get in the Way of Your Spiritual Connection

This month we've been discussing the spiritual piece of the recovery puzzle. For some, spirituality is an untapped resource. Once you learn about ways of accessing your own spiritual connection and make a conscious effort to do that, a whole new world is opened for you.

Sometimes, though, the path to spiritual awareness can be blocked, and the door to that spiritual world might seem locked to you.

Here is a list of five things that may keep you from making a spiritual connection:

1. Lack of sleep: Feeling tired can impair your judgement, shorten your temper and magnify your challenges so they seem impossible to overcome. In that state it's hard to remember that you have access to an inner source of wisdom, and harder still to listen to that quiet voice. Try getting to bed earlier and/or sleeping later, and practicing other good sleep hygiene habits.
2. Obsession: When your mind is so busy turning over every detail about something in the past (what you should have done or what you wish you hadn't done) or the future (what you should do next, what you're afraid to do or what you hope will/won't happen), there's no room to be open to spiritual suggestions. It's a well-known paradox that sometimes the minute you stop thinking about yourself and your own problems, solutions can magically appear. Try doing something nice for someone else.
3. Focusing on the negative: Another common theory, known as the Law of Attraction, says that whatever you focus on is what you will attract into your life. Try thinking about and showing appreciation for the positive people and things in your life.
4. Strong feelings: In a similar way, strong feelings of resentment, fear, depression, anxiety or grief can all cloud your perception. You may be sure that you know what someone else is thinking or feeling or you may underestimate your own capability. You may lack the confidence to know the difference between your own negative thinking and a message that may be from your spiritual intuition. Try speaking about your feelings to a therapist or trusted friend, or writing in your journal.
5. Using food in an addictive way: When you overeat, undereat, purge or over-exercise, it brings on all four of the previous situations, as well as many other problems. Food can create a false sense of connection, but for food addicts, anorexics, bulimics and compulsive overeaters, food actually drives a wedge between you and other people, and between you and yourself. The deeper into the addiction you sink, the farther away you feel from your spiritual connection. Getting a handle on your addictive behaviors should always be your first concern. We're here to help

If you've been trying different strategies to make a spiritual connection and you're still struggling, check which one of these five situations may be present in your life.

The Spiritual Piece of the Recovery Puzzle

While therapy is primarily about emotional healing, at White Picket Fence Counseling Center it's also important to us that we don't shy away from addressing physical recovery.

Yet there is another piece of the puzzle that hasn't always been getting the attention it deserves, and that is spiritual recovery. While it's easy to push spiritual recovery off to the side until the other areas are "handled," we want to start emphasizing it as an important part of the overall recovery process.

Consider this analogy: Calcium is an important nutrient that our bodies need to carry out many important functions and keep our bones strong. Vitamin D helps our bodies to absorb calcium – without it, whatever calcium you take in won't be able to do its job properly. Spirituality is like a form of Vitamin D that helps you make the best use of your emotional and physical healing.

If you've had unpleasant or even traumatic experiences with organized religion, you might be very resistant to this idea. Yet even while honoring those feelings, you can open your mind to spirituality. Because spirituality and religion are two very separate things, and I wouldn't want you to close yourself off to a powerful source of support for your recovery.

Whether you are recovering from an eating disorder, food addiction, depression or another emotional issue, developing or maintaining a spiritual practice can have many benefits, such as:

Acceptance – A spiritual practice can help you achieve and deepen your level of acceptance, so that you see yourself, other people and situations as they are – without judgement. This is really important, because so often when we hurt ourselves or others it's because we're not accepting something or someone as they are.

Detachment – Instead of getting caught up in solving or changing a situation or person, accepting them helps you to detach in a neutral way and go on with whatever you've decided is most important to you.

Inspiration – When you make a spiritual connection, it can lead you to things that will inspire you to your core. Sometimes just in seeking your spiritual path you can discover exciting things about yourself and the world around you.

Joy – Spiritual activities can lighten up your day and your mood, infusing your life with humor and passion.

Calm – The quiet space of a spiritual practice can give you fresh insights and perspectives about a particular situation or the bigger picture of your life.

Connection – The act of seeking a connection to something bigger than yourself can help you to feel more a part of the world around you. And spiritual connection also helps you to know yourself better and hear the wisdom within.

Presence – Tuning into the spiritual world brings you back to the present instead of living in the past (perhaps suffering from guilt or low self-esteem about choices you've made) or the future (maybe full of worry, anxiety or doubt about what's going to happen next or what you should do about it).

So how do you start developing a spiritual practice? You have so many choices. At the White Picket Fence Counseling Center we're developing some workshops that will help you learn more about things like guided meditation and imagery and writing. You can also try prayer, yoga, quiet reflection time or communing with nature.

Next week I'll share some of my own favorite spiritual activities.

Spirituality is a very individual thing, so feel free to experiment. We can also work with you in your group or individual therapy sessions to help you find the version of spirituality that works for you. This important "piece" of recovery can bring you "peace."