White Picket Fence Counseling Center Newsletter Archives

Our Culture of Food, Weight and Exercise

People who have an eating disorder often want to know why. Even though there is much more to recovery than understanding what’s behind your unhealthy eating behaviors, piecing together the different factors may give you some helpful insights.

On the website of the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), they present four sets of factors that may contribute to eating disorders. In previous articles I wrote about the psychological, interpersonal and biological factors, and today we will discuss the social/cultural factors.

Whether you’re glancing at the magazines displayed near the checkout line at the grocery store, listening to commentary about people walking the red carpet at the Academy Awards or just having a casual conversation with friends or work colleagues, you’ll hear people being judged based on their physical appearance.

This is such a small way of looking at things, and doesn’t put any value on all the other more important qualities that make us who we are.

Then there is the family culture. There can be a family of triathletes who are all into sports and value physical coordination. There can be a family who are very tuned in to physical appearance and only appreciate the latest fashions. There can be a family who are very sedentary and watch a lot of TV. Whichever culture you’re raised in has an impact on your views about eating, weight and exercise.

When my father was diagnosed with high blood pressure, the whole family got swept up into his efforts to lose weight and get fit. So my family culture became thinness. I had an aunt who was on a well-known diet program for 45 years. When people greeted each other, the first topic wasn’t always how people were, it was who had lost or gained the most weight, and how.

As you recover from disordered eating, keep in mind that the cultures around you are not necessarily changing. It’s a matter of being able to be present with oneself and finding fulfillment in your vision of recovery, things like being healthy, happy and comfortable in your body.

How Relationships May Change in Recovery

As soon as you take your first steps in recovery from an eating disorder, your relationships will start to change. By the time you enter into the maintenance stage of living in recovery, you may focus more of your efforts to dealing with this. By now, you're feeling more comfortable about your day-to-day eating habits and you have many tools and people to reach for when things come up.

With the people who have been in your life for many years, there will likely be communication and relationships patterns that no longer fit with your new version of self. Now that you are more confident and comfortable speaking your mind, people may not know quite how to handle that.

Perhaps you used to be controlled by people pleasing, doing anything to avoid the guilt associated with letting someone down. Perhaps the people around you aren't ready to accept an inter-dependent relationship, rather than a co-dependent relationship with you. As you change and grow, not everyone in your world may jump on board. This is a big adjustment for everyone.

If you're not paying attention to these relationship issues, other people can easily trigger a "lapse" into unhealthy food behaviors, or even a full-blown relapse. Watch for sure-fire signs of relationship struggles, such as talking about other people's faults or wishing they would change. You will have more peaceful relationships if you remember that you can only change yourself. You are lucky enough to have these recovery tools at your fingertips – others are not as well-equipped. Practice compassion for others and healthy communication strategies that protect your recovery.

Your relationships can grow with you, if you give yourself and others the time and attention that are needed for long-lasting change.

Accepting Compassion is Not Always Easy

For people who are recovering from an eating disorder, compassionate support from others can be unsettling. You may not know how to receive that support, and you may not feel like you deserve it.

Have you ever heard the expression that "we teach people how to treat us"? What happens in this case is that this discomfort can lead you to send out the message that you want to be left alone – and then you will be.

The first step in practicing receiving compassion is to clarify what help you need. Do you need someone to keep you company while you eat a meal? Do you need to talk about something that's bothering you? Or do you need to forget about something that's bothering you by getting out and doing something fun?

Once you have an idea of what you might need, it's time to ask. Before you think about asking specific people, make a list of the qualities you would like them to have, for example:

Compassionate
Non-judgmental
Challenges in a gentle way
Dedicated
Patient
Present
Supportive
Trustworthy
Encouraging
Intuitive
Feels safe
Reliable
Straightforward
Respectful
Funny

There may also be people with qualities you want to avoid, such as:

Distant
Cold
Suffocating
Unreliable, untrustworthy (opposites of all the qualities above)

Now, make your list of the people in your life who have the qualities you want, and who don't have the qualities you don't want. Leave off the list anyone who brings up feelings of co-dependence, confusion or anxiety.  Strive for relationships that are interdependent – equal – rather than dependent or co-dependent.

Start with safe people.  Sometimes it's easier to practice with professional supporters, such as a therapist, dietician or clergy, or friends from a more structured setting such as a 12-step program or a therapy group. Over time, if you keep practicing, then receiving compassion will become more familiar. Though it may still be challenging, once something is familiar it usually feels more comfortable as well.

How to Have More Compassion for Others

When you're struggling with your own body image and self-esteem issues, it's common to also be more judgmental of other people (especially people with food and weight issues). The reverse is also true – the more you can love and accept yourself, the more accepting you can be of others.

Stephen R. Covey wrote, "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior."

A lot of times we judge people's physical appearance or outward actions, without any idea of what's going on underneath. We only see the tip of the iceberg. We don't know their family history or how they've been hurt by other people.

That's why it's really important to suspend judgment of others, and instead practice acceptance and neutrality and compassion. Understand that everybody has their own stuff going on. It's like we discussed in an earlier article, that "your first thought is a freebie." We may have judgmental thoughts about others, or ourselves, but we can revise those into more loving thoughts.

The more we can suspend judgment of others, the more we will learn to do the same for self – peace within extends to peace with-out, and vice versa.

Who can you practice being more compassionate towards today? 

Choosing the Words to Share

"Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid!" 

Self-deprecating statements like this can harm your self-worth and affirm negative beliefs that may have been planted earlier in life. It's a worthwhile goal to begin a practice of using different words that are more self-loving. 

The words we choose don't just affect us; they affect the people we're speaking to. Harsh statements such as the one above can have different effects. The other person may feel uncomfortable, or may want to rush in and reassure us. Either way, it creates uncomfortable tension in the conversation and in the relationship as a whole. 

Another phrase that can have a troublesome impact on relationships is, "I'm sorry." Ideally, when we make a mistake we recognize it right away, apologize and then move on. 

The difficulty starts when you don't consciously recognize you've made a mistake, or you recognize it but don't feel willing to apologize. Either of those scenarios can damage relationships and create emotional turmoil that can lead to unhealthy body image and eating behaviors. 

Another challenge is when we apologize for something that's not our fault, such as the fact that else is experiencing a loss or struggle. Or we spend too much time apologizing or explaining something that really wasn't a big deal to begin with. (For more insights on this topic you can read the article, Make Amends to Make Your Guilt Disappear.) 

I experienced being on the other end of this, when someone was apologizing repeatedly for a simple mistake that was already dealt with. I'd been double-booked for a radio interview, but everything turned out perfectly because the other person was late anyway. But the host just couldn't seem to move on. When I spoke up and let him know that he didn't need to keep apologizing, he said he really appreciated it because he had no idea how it sounded to the other person when he was doing that. 

I always encourage people to find a way to speak your truth to others in a kind way that feels honorable to you and aligned with your values.

A List of 12 Step Groups and Websites

• AA - Alcoholics Anonymous
• ABA – Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous
• ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Al-Anon/Alateen, for friends and family members of alcoholics
• CLA - Clutterers Anonymous
• CoDA - Co-Dependents Anonymous, for people working to end patterns of dysfunctional relationships and develop functional and healthy relationships
• DA - Debtors Anonymous
• EA - Emotions Anonymous, for recovery from mental and emotional illness
• FA - Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous
• FAA - Food Addicts Anonymous      GA - Gamblers Anonymous
• NA - Narcotics Anonymous
• OA - Overeaters Anonymous
• SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous
• SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
• WA - Workaholics Anonymous

 

Make Amends to Make Your Guilt Disappear

12-step programs such as Overeaters Anonymous and Eating Disorders Anonymous contain many useful tools that any of us can use. When it comes to healing guilt, one of the best methods is found in steps 8 and 9.

Step 8 reads, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9 continues with, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

The 12-step process recognizes that guilt over our unresolved issues with people, places and institutions are what cause us to reach for unhealthy behaviors such as food addiction, emotional eating, bulimia, over-exercising and restricting.

When they feel guilty, a lot of people are quick to apologize. Unfortunately, they're just as quick to repeat whatever it is they just apologized for. There's no relief for either person, because there wasn't any action or change behind the apology.

The 12-step process of making amends goes beyond an apology, to actually changing the words or actions that harmed the other person. If we have acted out of integrity with the kind of person we wish to be, we can do something to repair the damage in a real way.

This is rarely an easy process, and that's why it requires spiritual guidance and strength. Sometimes it's not clear how to make up for what we did, and we need some extra clues or insights. Other times we may see what we have to do, but we feel afraid or reluctant to do it. We need extra strength and courage – especially if there may be consequences for admitting what we did wrong.

Whatever the situation that is causing your guilt, it's important to be thorough in the process of making amends. Otherwise you can put a cycle in motion where you keep hurting the other person or you keep hurting yourself. As part of your amends, you can create a new plan of living when it comes to that person or situation. How would you like the relationship to look and feel? How would you like to behave in the situation? What kind of person do you want to be?

In some cases, even after you've identified a person or institution that you owe an amends to, you can't do it right away. Maybe you don't have the financial means to fully repay a debt. Maybe the person you harmed has died or moved away. The important thing is to get yourself to a place of being willing to make the amends, and then find a way to do it.

A 12-step sponsor or a therapist can be very helpful during this process. This person can also make sure that you haven't slipped to the other side of the equation where you're taking on responsibility for something you haven't done, out of a sense of people pleasing or co-dependency.

Reflect on all the people or institutions you have hurt or harmed, and get yourself to a place where you're willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage that was your part. Sometimes the action takes place right away; sometimes the action is deferred or done through someone else.

Before making amends, be sure that you have forgiven the other person for any harm they may have done to you. The amends process cannot work if you are still full of rage, resentment or defensiveness.

No matter how much love you may have in your heart when you approach the other person, you can't expect them to accept your amends or be ready to forgive you. They may not be able to do that right now and you have to accept that. You're making these amends to relieve your own poisonous, toxic guilt. You can hold your head high, no matter how the other person responds.

The biggest amends you may have to make is to yourself, for putting yourself through all of this guilt. If you can change your perspective and behaviors so they're more loving and kind – to yourself and others – that will change our relationships, alleviating our guilt and replacing it with relief and gratitude.

There are three key benefits of making amends are. First, an apology for hurting someone in the past can be a great way to build a bridge to a better future relationship with others or with oneself.

Next, it's ideal for removing the weight of guilt, shame and remorse. Finally, step 9 leads right into step 10, which is a daily reflection on how we behaved. We can use step 10 and the journaling process to clean stuff up every day so it never builds up beyond 24 hours. It's a beautiful way of living.

 

Pause, Listen, Respond, Let Go

Saying yes when we want to say no is a sure sign that guilt is making that decision for us. Whether we're trying to lessen guilt we already feel, or avoid guilt we're afraid of feeling, we've now set aside our own desires, goals and needs.

To avoid the self-destructive cycle of guilt and resentment , here is the four-step formula I use when someone makes a request: 

1. Pause – I let the person know that I have to give it some thought. If they insist on knowing immediately, I say the answer has to be no until I have more time to consider it.
2. Listen – I quiet my mind and tune into my body to make a spiritual connection and hear my intuitive voice. I also try to imagine doing whatever the thing is. Did doing this thing give me energy or drain my energy? I may also get messages from my "gut" or feel something in my throat.
3. Listen more (if needed) – If I'm still not clear about what the right answer is for me, I will take more time to reflect, usually by writing in my journal. I may also discuss the situation with supportive family, friends or one of my therapist colleagues.
4. Respond and let go – I return to the person and give my answer. Once I've made my decision, I have to trust what I felt in that moment and avoid second-guessing myself. If I said no, I let go of any mind reading or projecting what the other person may think. Otherwise, I end up being just as much of a slave to the situation as if I'd said yes. If I did say yes, I proceed to carry out the action with a spirit of love, generosity and service.

This process can be a lot quicker than it sounds, and it will get faster the more you do it and the more you learn to trust yourself.

The next time someone makes a request for your time, energy, money or attention, try this four-step process.

Guilt is a Four-Letter Word

Be honest. How many of your actions and decisions today were driven by guilt? Were you trying to relieve guilt that you already felt, or trying to avoid feeling guilty later?

Using guilt as a motivator starts a chain reaction that can very self-destructive. This is true for everyone, but for someone in recovery from an eating disorder, food addiction, compulsive eating, anorexia or bulimia, this pattern can compound the emotional difficulties you're already dealing with.

When you base your decisions on feelings, including guilt, you tune out rational thought, as well as the self-nurturing intuitive thought that is available by making a spiritual connection.

Let's say you agree to babysit your friend’s kids, even though you already had plans that you now have to cancel. You felt obligated and worried about how your friend might respond if you said no. You didn't think you could deal with your feelings of guilt.

By saying yes to your friend, you may have avoided the guilt, but you've put yourself at risk for feeling resentful because you gave up doing something you were looking forward to. And the discomfort of that resentment can drive you right back towards using food, weight obsession, purging or over-exercising as a coping mechanism.

What's even worse is how guilt and resentment can strain your relationships with the people whose love and support is so vital to your recovery.

If you want to stop being a slave to your guilt, you can start by getting more awareness of how it's showing up in your life. Your journal is a great tool for tracking and reviewing these notes. You can also share your writing with a therapist or trusted friend to get feedback and insights.

If you want to stop guilt in its tracks, try to do less "mind reading" or projecting your own thoughts onto others. For example, maybe you think you friend will think you don't care about her or her kids if you say so no her request.

Again, turn to your journal. Write out all the things you imagine the other person is thinking or feeling. Seeing them in black and white may help you to realize that you can't be sure whether they're true. Getting some objective feedback can help here as well.

There is nothing wrong with being a generous, giving person who does nice things for others. In fact, giving back can help you progress in your recovery. Giving also has a spiritual effect, and is one of the ways I incorporate spirituality into my life.

As with everything, balance is the key. If you're feeling out of balance, chances are that you're giving out of guilt.

When People Are the Triggers

In the recovery process from an eating disorder, you'll probably start by focusing on the food and your eating patterns. Once you've worked on those things, it will be time to turn you attention to your relationships – your emotional triggers.

You may feel triggered when people start talking about weight, dieting, the newest exercise program or the foods they're eating or not eating. Well-meaning friends and relatives may ask questions about what YOU are eating or not eating, or they may comment on your appearance.

Shopping for groceries or clothing can trigger many different issues around food and weight, and food is on display pretty much everywhere you go at certain times of year like the winter holiday season. Just seeing those huge quantities of food all in one place can be terrifying for someone in recovery from food addition, emotional eating, anorexia or bulimia.

Relationship issues can pop up just as often, where TV commercials, books or other people in your life can remind you of painful situations that are still unresolved. Sometimes you can get caught off guard by a reaction that feels out of proportion, like getting really upset about someone you don't even know.

When someone triggers you, usually it's because somewhere deep down it reminds you of an interaction with your family of origin. This is another reason that we welcome triggers in the therapy process. This is a great opportunity to work through something that you wouldn't have otherwise. 

You don't have to be afraid of triggers. You can learn to understand them and deal with them – not eat over them.

 

Upcoming Groups and Workshops - New Starts and Ideas

Upcoming Groups and Workshops will help you get a jump start in your personal growth process.  Click here to view and download your own printable copy! Tell us what you think of the new workshops - let us also know what interests YOU!

Where to learn more about Co-Dependency and Boundaries

Self Test for You

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see whether your “helping” behavior may actually be co-dependency:

1. Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially struggling, or completely exhausted?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?

If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.

Here is a list of books and resources about co-dependency and boundaries:

Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beattie
Co-dependent No More Workbook by Melanie Beattie
Co-dependents Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melanie Beattie
The New Codependency by Melanie Beattie
Language of Letting Go by Melanie Beattie
Where to Draw the Line by Anne Katherine, M.A.
Boundaries by Anne Katherine, M.A.
Codependence and the Power of Detachment by Karen Casey
Co-Dependence by Ann Wilson Schaef
Transforming the Co-Dependent Woman by Sandy Bierig

Internet Resources­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­:­
Co-Dependents Anonymous
Al-Anon Family Groups

Are you interested in coming to a workshop in June about Co-dependency and Boundaries? If so, get special e-flyer sent to you in advance so you can register early!  Contact me by email or call our office.