White Picket Fence Counseling Center Newsletter Archives

The Evolution of Compassion

Once you have gotten more comfortable with having compassion for yourself, having compassion for others and accepting compassion from others, your self-care can evolve to the level where you create your own source of compassion.

This is the ultimate in self-care, because these positive feelings come from within, rather than being dependent on what anyone else does or says. By making the commitment to self-activate, you can create a beautiful sense of balance between your physical, emotional mental and spiritual health. You will let go of harmful thought patterns, food and exercise behaviors, or alcohol and drug use.

You can activate this soothing system within the body through practices such as deep breathing, singing or humming. You can use visualization by developing the image of a place where you feel safe, emotionally, mentally and physically. Then visualize yourself in that place.

You can also visualize yourself as a compassionate self, or use a vision board to create a physical reminder of what you're working towards.

Looking within for compassion won't come naturally at first. You can develop your sense of self-trust by making a list of your successes and accomplishments; this is evidence that you can be trusted – you can achieve your goals and overcome your challenges. Write these things down every day until this self-trust becomes a part of you. You can also write about the times when you felt most compassionate towards yourself or others, or when you felt the most compassion from someone else – and you were able to receive that compassion.

Through journaling you can develop an ideal of what you're looking for in yourself or someone else. Then you can use imagery and even affirmations to call forward these ideals. 

Accepting Compassion is Not Always Easy

For people who are recovering from an eating disorder, compassionate support from others can be unsettling. You may not know how to receive that support, and you may not feel like you deserve it.

Have you ever heard the expression that "we teach people how to treat us"? What happens in this case is that this discomfort can lead you to send out the message that you want to be left alone – and then you will be.

The first step in practicing receiving compassion is to clarify what help you need. Do you need someone to keep you company while you eat a meal? Do you need to talk about something that's bothering you? Or do you need to forget about something that's bothering you by getting out and doing something fun?

Once you have an idea of what you might need, it's time to ask. Before you think about asking specific people, make a list of the qualities you would like them to have, for example:

Compassionate
Non-judgmental
Challenges in a gentle way
Dedicated
Patient
Present
Supportive
Trustworthy
Encouraging
Intuitive
Feels safe
Reliable
Straightforward
Respectful
Funny

There may also be people with qualities you want to avoid, such as:

Distant
Cold
Suffocating
Unreliable, untrustworthy (opposites of all the qualities above)

Now, make your list of the people in your life who have the qualities you want, and who don't have the qualities you don't want. Leave off the list anyone who brings up feelings of co-dependence, confusion or anxiety.  Strive for relationships that are interdependent – equal – rather than dependent or co-dependent.

Start with safe people.  Sometimes it's easier to practice with professional supporters, such as a therapist, dietician or clergy, or friends from a more structured setting such as a 12-step program or a therapy group. Over time, if you keep practicing, then receiving compassion will become more familiar. Though it may still be challenging, once something is familiar it usually feels more comfortable as well.

How to Have More Compassion for Others

When you're struggling with your own body image and self-esteem issues, it's common to also be more judgmental of other people (especially people with food and weight issues). The reverse is also true – the more you can love and accept yourself, the more accepting you can be of others.

Stephen R. Covey wrote, "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior."

A lot of times we judge people's physical appearance or outward actions, without any idea of what's going on underneath. We only see the tip of the iceberg. We don't know their family history or how they've been hurt by other people.

That's why it's really important to suspend judgment of others, and instead practice acceptance and neutrality and compassion. Understand that everybody has their own stuff going on. It's like we discussed in an earlier article, that "your first thought is a freebie." We may have judgmental thoughts about others, or ourselves, but we can revise those into more loving thoughts.

The more we can suspend judgment of others, the more we will learn to do the same for self – peace within extends to peace with-out, and vice versa.

Who can you practice being more compassionate towards today? 

Three Ways to Have More Compassion for Yourself

The world can be a harsh and confusing place for people who are dealing with an eating disorder. What might be a simple task for other people, such as a trip to the grocery store, can be daunting when you are surrounded by mixed messages.

Standing at the checkout counter, a quick glance at the magazine rack shows photos of celebrities caught in unflattering poses, details of the latest quick-fix diet, while on the same cover there is a photo of a decadent dessert with the promise of the recipe inside. Every aisle is adorned with displays meant to entice us into buying things we weren’t planning to buy or to eat. This type of temptation can lead to unhealthy behaviors, which then set into motion a cycle of self-blaming and self-loathing.

When it seems like everything in the grocery store is against you, it becomes even more important to cultivate an ongoing sense of compassion for yourself. When you can acknowledge what you’re going through and every small victory you accomplish, you can help yourself heal and grow.

While I disagree with how Dictionary.com defines compassion as "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering," I do appreciate these synonyms they offered: "tenderness" and "heart".

Compassion is more about validation than pity; "I see how challenging this is for you," rather than, "You poor thing." Feeling compassion is not about feeling sorry for oneself or someone else. It's about looking at self and others through a tender heart.

Here are three ways you can add compassion into your life: 

1. HALT – This powerful slogan stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired," which are feelings that can make people more vulnerable to act out in their addictions. When you become more aware of whether you are feeling one of those things, you can choose to act on that feeling, or address it using a healthier tool. It takes courage to look with integrity and truth at what’s really happening within yourself. This awareness gives you the compassion and perspective to see why you might be feeling or acting a certain way, and ask what you need to do to take care of yourself in that moment.
2. Think twice about giving in to your compulsive behavior – It's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you focus on the list of things that may not be going your way, "My friend isn't talking to me," "I had a struggle at work," "I'm not talking to anyone in my family," etc. The next thought might be to "treat" yourself or repeat a harmful behavior. Yet is it really a treat if it will damage your health and you'll feel bad about it later?
3. Question your self-talk – Notice the mixed messages and give yourself compassion for reacting to them. Release the self-criticism, shame and self-loathing that undermine your self-esteem and confidence and make you feel bad. This all just leads to wanting to eat more or restrict more.

Compassion is about being fully present with yourself, just as you are, without condemning or judging any part of your whole self. Compassion isn't a free pass or letting yourself off the hook; it's a way to focus on the solution and get yourself to the physical recovery that is so important.

The compassionate choice isn't always the easiest one. Another 12-step axiom is that "the first thought is a freebie." You don't have to act on that first thought, which will often take you back into old, unhealthy patterns and habits. You can let that first thought go and revise it into one that will lead you towards recovery.

For some, compassion can be love. For others it can be grace. What is compassion for you?